you'll never forget your first

Why is the first anything important? Why is your first word so important? Shouldn't expanding your vocabulary be more important. Or how about your first love? What if your first love abused you? Would that be nice to remember? Or how about the "first time"? What if you were raped the first time? Why is the first time always the time that will stick with you the most. Sure, people do remember the best time but they tend to remember their first time more. I have been thinking about firsts and special moments for over two hours. I'm sick of it. Why do we feel that we need to be significant in someone's life. I'd rather not be anybody's first. Because, if I was they would just remember me as their first. Not as a good time or a bad time. Just as a first. Once we start putting labels on everything, it just gets to an extreme. Like boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a huge title if you think about it. You can't do this, you can't do that. You have to spend time with your girl, you gotta have good night talks and have in mind that one day, maybe, you'll fall in love with this person. These titles, and firsts are killing me. I spent my whole relationship trying to forget his first girlfriend. Trying to forget that he did this with her and he experienced that. I tried to forget that they almost kissed. I tried to forget that he said he didn't have feelings for me at one point. I tried to forget how he said he wished I was like someone. I tried to forget how most of the time it wasn't just him comparing me to other people or his ex, it was me. I had to live up to being better than her. Doing this longer, or having that. It doesn't really matter, does it? Why should a first kiss be any better than your last kiss? We get better as we grow, and experiences are better too. There was a point in my life where I stopped thinking about his past relationship. But now, tonight, well last night, it was brought to my attention again. I never realized how jealous he was. How much of a hypocrite he was. At first I was sorry. I was sorry that I ever did anything. Sorry that I was apart of it. Sorry that he felt like that. Now, I'm wondering why he has any thoughts of betrayal. I didn't do anything wrong. For once, I'm not his first and he's not mine. We have to deal with that. It's nothing we can do. If you were to blame me, don't. Because he was the one who encouraged me. Encouraged me to dance and have fun and live a little. I did. And he's mad. It's not anyone's fault. I realized how stupid a first kiss was, or a first time, or a first boyfriend. It doesn't mean anything. The person and the moment is all that matters. What's the point of labeling a good thing. It just ruins it. I'm done labeling things. I'm done saying no and saying sorry to something that is not my fault. I think what's best for me is just time to myself. Because, I'm still very flustered. You know the only reason I went online was becuase of SAT scores. I have to check again Feb 12th, dammit. Oh well. Hahah!