question mark?

I want you to know that I need more. Don't you understand that I grew up? I need security, warmth, love. We don't even talk, well hardly. I don't even think it's what it was before. You know, I really do miss it. And I keep hoping that it will be the same. I hate pondering over the idea of how it is so different. How we are so different. What happened? Things really changed. I can look straight into your eyes and just lie to you. It doesn't even hurt to lie anymore. Before, I felt guilty, but now it's second nature to me. It's so easy to sneak out, ignore, and be quiet. Damn, I think the inevitable is about happen, and what sucks I'm too scared to even think about it.

hour glass

I'm pretty psyched. I finally got my permit today. I want the whole process of obtaining a driver's license to be fast, but my Dad wants me to wait. He wants me to take my time and not rush. I basically wanna finish all my driving stuff in October, which means passing the test. But whatever! I'm happy. Kudos to me.

I have senior portraits on Saturday, not really looking forward to it to tell you the truth. My dad's not even tryna pay hella much for pictures, and shoot! I don't blame him. Lifetouch charges way too much.

I'm realizing that everything is speeding up. It's July, senior year starting in a couple of months, college applications in November, and many many things. I have to admit, I'm pretty scared with everything! It's coming at me too fast. I guess I just have to breathe and at take things one at a time.

The fire's almost gone. I feel like I'm trying to salvage it, but it's not working. The more I try to light it, the more it dies. I need a spark.

trees quickly

I'm digg'n dates that Daniel takes me on. It makes me fall in love with him over again. Yesterday he took me on a surprise. I mean, I knew what it was 'cause he's pretty damn predictable. But I have to admit it was a really sweet thing that he did for me. He took me to our tree and he re-carved our initials on it. I wish I took pictures, he has all the pictures. Maybe I'll post 'em up later. After "our tree", we went to Quickly. I haven't been there since I was 10, so it was a fresh new place.

These renewed experiences with Daniel are really great. After our whole long distance thing, it was really hard holding on to him. All I had was our old memories. I didn't even have his scent or warmth. It was hard for me, but I persevered. It's strange knowing that he loves me and I really do love him because it's just so new for me. Every day that I spend with him reminds me of why I love him. Sometimes, I wish I could live with him. Why? Because we did dishes together, and played with his dog, and made his bed, and had a great lunch. And...we did all these things without fighting. So, I know that he can keep up with my OCD and controlling nature. We're pretty much compatible.

Silly Goose (:

reality is nonexistent in this case

Wtf am I doing to myself? I mean really! Why am I going down this path again? It's like my mind isn't content with me being happy. Can you say mind-fucked? My mind is pleased with the pain and the ache of a memory. I am trying to do something that no one is ready for, not even myself. I can't cope with the fact that I haven't been told certain aspects. This is why I search for them. And when I search for them and educate myself about it, I feel hurt, but at the same time I feel relief. Why? I feel relief that I have this in my hands. That I already know what happened and I have a greater control of my emotions, not something unexpected.

When I was a freshmen I believed in firsts, fairy tales, always, eternity. I was happy with the way things were until I wanted to know more. And trust me ignorance is truly bliss. After I found out dates, nicknames, sayings, I lost it. I started to purposely hurt myself in order to get over the pain. I assumed that maybe if I can handle pain and push myself off the edge, then I could handle anything. I was wrong.

To tell you the truth, I really don't believe there's a forever, a happy ending, or even special firsts. Yeah there are special times, special people. But I'm not tryna label things anymore. It's weird, but I feel like my guards coming back up. Yeah you guys, my muthafuckin' guards back up!I can't really do anything about it. I know it will go away. But I guess I just need some time to think.

I blame the dream that I had. It brought back insecurities. Fears too. Fucking shit, things were fine, but that dream. Aren't dreams supposed to mean something? I just don't understand why I would have that dream at this moment. I haven't been thinking about it for over a year, and now it comes back. Crazy? Thanks mind. You suck.

UP

So I finally watched UP with Daniel, I know it's really late, but better late then never! I loved it. It was such a good movie. I really liked the short in the beginning also. Everything about the movie was great. It was funny, cute, and it did have its sad moments. I have to admit that in the end I did cry. Well I mean! It's cause he actually did care. I hope everyone enjoyed this movie.

Well, before the movie even started Daniel and I decided to sit down and just talk before the movie started. It ended up that we had the whole theater to ourself. We discussed how this would never happen to anyone else and we're super lucky. I then decided to run around the whole theater. Daniel thought I was strange, but I made him join to. After we ran around, we played hide and seek. He won!

Empty Theater

Daniel blowing a kiss

Daniel holding up a heart

After the movie we decided to eat at Fresh Choice. Daniel never went to Fresh Choice so I thought today would be a great day to go. After I got my second helping of this sweet strawberry salad, Daniel started playing with the salt.

He ended up writing D heart L with the salt. I thought it was very cute. After Fresh Choice we went to Best Buy where we met up with my sister. I had a really great time.

its like scribbles, but thought form.

Summer you have been good to me so far. I'm very grateful that my summer hasn't been boring or anything. I guess what made it so great was the fact that I tried to stay off the computer. I couldn't stop watching TV, sorry. Guilty pleasure! But, I did start to work out and leave the house for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

I realized that I'm going to say "realize" a lot. This summer made me contemplate among the many aspects that I dealt with throughout the school year. Mainly, those that I tried to hide from myself. It's like the summer is preventing me from distorting tiny figures to shadows. I have to face what I have been fearing the most; actually admitting what I have been thinking. The funny thing about that is, it's clear in my mind but when I do try to tackle my phobia, someone stops me. And now my obstacle is to try to get over the hurdle and release what's on my mind. And that's pretty scary too. Think about it, after many failed attempts, I have to get back up and try again? Damn, this sounds like a song. Haha!

Other news, my mom finally realized that she never really paid much attention to me throughout middle school and high school. I was pretty surprised that she figured this out now, but when she suggested to give me more attention with homework and studying, I simply refused. I have been independent with everything involving school the minute I hit algebra 1, and this attention would only be a setback. She asked for my help with my sister, and I promised to help with anything she needed. I'll always be there for my sister. And my mom's had it tough too, so anything to help her, I got her. It's kinda weird, I'm anticipating my sisters changes as she moves onto high school. I hope she does better than I did. I do hope that she trusts me and asks for my advice. Aaaaah! She's making me smile, cause she's a really great kid and I totally love her and I only wish the best for her. Wow, I really do love my sister.

I really do feel like I'm maturing and changing for the good. To tell you the truth, I really do like these changes. I'm just hoping that everything will be able to follow me as I'm progressing.