question mark?

I want you to know that I need more. Don't you understand that I grew up? I need security, warmth, love. We don't even talk, well hardly. I don't even think it's what it was before. You know, I really do miss it. And I keep hoping that it will be the same. I hate pondering over the idea of how it is so different. How we are so different. What happened? Things really changed. I can look straight into your eyes and just lie to you. It doesn't even hurt to lie anymore. Before, I felt guilty, but now it's second nature to me. It's so easy to sneak out, ignore, and be quiet. Damn, I think the inevitable is about happen, and what sucks I'm too scared to even think about it.

hour glass

I'm pretty psyched. I finally got my permit today. I want the whole process of obtaining a driver's license to be fast, but my Dad wants me to wait. He wants me to take my time and not rush. I basically wanna finish all my driving stuff in October, which means passing the test. But whatever! I'm happy. Kudos to me.

I have senior portraits on Saturday, not really looking forward to it to tell you the truth. My dad's not even tryna pay hella much for pictures, and shoot! I don't blame him. Lifetouch charges way too much.

I'm realizing that everything is speeding up. It's July, senior year starting in a couple of months, college applications in November, and many many things. I have to admit, I'm pretty scared with everything! It's coming at me too fast. I guess I just have to breathe and at take things one at a time.

The fire's almost gone. I feel like I'm trying to salvage it, but it's not working. The more I try to light it, the more it dies. I need a spark.

trees quickly

I'm digg'n dates that Daniel takes me on. It makes me fall in love with him over again. Yesterday he took me on a surprise. I mean, I knew what it was 'cause he's pretty damn predictable. But I have to admit it was a really sweet thing that he did for me. He took me to our tree and he re-carved our initials on it. I wish I took pictures, he has all the pictures. Maybe I'll post 'em up later. After "our tree", we went to Quickly. I haven't been there since I was 10, so it was a fresh new place.

These renewed experiences with Daniel are really great. After our whole long distance thing, it was really hard holding on to him. All I had was our old memories. I didn't even have his scent or warmth. It was hard for me, but I persevered. It's strange knowing that he loves me and I really do love him because it's just so new for me. Every day that I spend with him reminds me of why I love him. Sometimes, I wish I could live with him. Why? Because we did dishes together, and played with his dog, and made his bed, and had a great lunch. And...we did all these things without fighting. So, I know that he can keep up with my OCD and controlling nature. We're pretty much compatible.

Silly Goose (:

reality is nonexistent in this case

Wtf am I doing to myself? I mean really! Why am I going down this path again? It's like my mind isn't content with me being happy. Can you say mind-fucked? My mind is pleased with the pain and the ache of a memory. I am trying to do something that no one is ready for, not even myself. I can't cope with the fact that I haven't been told certain aspects. This is why I search for them. And when I search for them and educate myself about it, I feel hurt, but at the same time I feel relief. Why? I feel relief that I have this in my hands. That I already know what happened and I have a greater control of my emotions, not something unexpected.

When I was a freshmen I believed in firsts, fairy tales, always, eternity. I was happy with the way things were until I wanted to know more. And trust me ignorance is truly bliss. After I found out dates, nicknames, sayings, I lost it. I started to purposely hurt myself in order to get over the pain. I assumed that maybe if I can handle pain and push myself off the edge, then I could handle anything. I was wrong.

To tell you the truth, I really don't believe there's a forever, a happy ending, or even special firsts. Yeah there are special times, special people. But I'm not tryna label things anymore. It's weird, but I feel like my guards coming back up. Yeah you guys, my muthafuckin' guards back up!I can't really do anything about it. I know it will go away. But I guess I just need some time to think.

I blame the dream that I had. It brought back insecurities. Fears too. Fucking shit, things were fine, but that dream. Aren't dreams supposed to mean something? I just don't understand why I would have that dream at this moment. I haven't been thinking about it for over a year, and now it comes back. Crazy? Thanks mind. You suck.