I'm sick

I hate this. I've missed two days of school and I'm still sick. It got worse. It's so boring being home. I wanna go to school already! This is a great way to start the new semester. I just hope that I haven't missed too much. Staying at home makes me think more about things, and I don't like that. Hopefully a huge plane will land outside my house and give me a "fun box". I'd like that.

Antoinette's 18 Baby

So last night was my friend's birthday, and damn I'm happy I lied to leave. I was one of the first females at the party, and to tell you the truth it was pretty dead. It got better as the drinks started rolling. And did I mention that I've never had a sip of alcohol in my life? Yeah, well I decided to pop that cherry for Antoinette. It started getting crackin' as heem and captain morgan got passed around. I had 5 shots all together. I wasn't drunk, unlike the birthday girl! I was just buzzed, it was a pretty good first experience. I tried baileys, heineken, absolute vodka, hennessy, and captain morgan. I used gatorade and coke as chasers. My last shot was without a chaser since my friend Prince made me do it. As the drinks got in me, I felt pretty alright. I don't see what the big deal of alcohol is. I didn't feel lightheaded, I didn't feel dizzy, and nothing was blurry. I was just a little wobbly. But whatever! The dancing was alright, I wasn't that comfortable dancing with the few guys I danced with. I guess the highlight of the night was when I was with antoinette and she said the most outrageous stuff of the night! I love her =) I ended up being the mom of the party though. I was taking care of Prince and this girl named Kimmy. I was worried! Sorry, it's my nature. But they were all good. The party ended at like 4. I left at 5. And finally went to sleep at 6. Did I tell you that I had SATs that day. Yeah..I'm like running on no sleep right now.

Finals

Today was the first day of finals. It was different than I expected it to be. It was much easier, hopefully I'm not jinxing myself. *Knock on wood! Finals are pretty much the least of my worries. I just want it over. I want SATs over too. Today I was really bothered by this couple. It reminded me so much of him I hated it. I cried a little because I missed him so much. Damn, tell me I'm not attached. Whatever, I needa get back to that mindset I had last week. That was better, I don't want to cry because of him anymore. I'm sick of crying if I miss him or if I know that I can't see him. Fuck dude, I want animal fries. I'm satisfied.

Inauguration

The weather was nice today, and kudos to Obama. Hopefully he can give this country the hope and changes that we need. But, I have a feeling that this country is not ready for the changes. I don't think that we are ready to give up our selfish desires to help everyone, sure there is a handful of people, but I doubt everyone can do that. I wish I could do that but, I'm still a kid. Our country depends on this one man so much, I feel like people expect too much out of him. As a nation, we need to help for change. He can't just do it himself. He can brainstorm the ideas, but we are the people that need to apply these changes.

let's fight

Why do you say that?
Why can't you do anything right?
Why can't you make me a priority?
Why are you acting this way?
What did I do?
I'm sorry Babe, I really am.
Why are you sorry?
You don't need to be sorry!
But, I feel bad. I mean it's my fault.
You didn't do anything.
Yeah I did.
Then what did you do?
I was saying absurd things. I wasn't thinking.
I guess.
I love you.
I know.

Quiet fills the conversation. Contemplating about things to say, wondering if I was wrong. Did I do something? What's up with the apology? We're still mad, right?

Why didn't you call?
I told you I was scared.
Why would you be scared to call?
I told you I was, didn't I?
I guess but you shouldn't be scared to call.
Well I thought you were mad.
I was, I said we'd talk about it.
You know what, you're right. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I should have called or texted you.

30 minutes later.

Go to sleep
No, you're in pain.
Just go to sleep.
I'm worried about you.
I wanna be there for you.
It's okay.
I feel like you can't take care of yourself.
I can feed myself, right?
Yeah I guess. You are really skinny now.
Thanks.

More silence.

We fought a lot this weekend.
More than we ever fought, baby.
I know.
I don't wanna fight wit you anymore.
Too bad we are.
We don't apologize to make it better, it doesn't work that way
Don't call me when you know I'm sleeping
Wtf, fine. I won't call when you're sleeping. Sorry.
I'm going to go.
I love you a lot baby, but you should know we are still fighting.

We fought that day, and I woke up thinking about how stupid our fights are. I love Daniel Tong so much and I want him in my life forever. I woke up thinking about how much I loved him. How much I wanted him to say "Baby, I love you. Let's stop fighting". I wanted him to tell me that he wishes that he could do something, that he wants to see me. Later I started crying around 3. I thought about how much I miss him, how much I asked out of him. If I could tell him anything, I would let him know how much he means to me. I would let him know that we both are stupid. We both want things we can't offer each other. I've said goodbye to him over thirty times and every time it's hard for me. Hard for both of us. The thing about Daniel Tong is that no matter how much we fight, no matter how much we dislike each other, no matter how frustrated we are, he will never stop loving me. He will never stop caring for me. I know that sometimes he tells me that he doesn't care for me, but I know he's lying. He's bad at lying now. He hates being cutesy. And I think that's cute. Whenever we have an alone moment, he'll always let me know how much he cares. We both agreed that this time was the hardest time for both of us. I don't know if I can wait two weeks anymore. I miss him. I miss holding his hand. I miss looking at him, and how I always see something new. I miss how I could hit him and he could hug me really tight. I hate how he makes me miss these things. He sucks. I hate how much I love him. Blaaaahp! Excuse me for being so mushy.

my body is a temple

I'm so sick of people telling me that I look anorexic. I'm sick of my mom telling me that she feels sick when she sees me. I'm sick of my dad telling me that I'm unhealthy, and I'm not doing anything right..when it comes to my health. I'm sick of people not believing me when I tell them I eat. Damn, because I DO eat. I eat more than usual. At least I have an appetite, right? All this talk about eating disorders remind me of middle school. I haven't really told anyone this, but I really did starve myself when I was in eighth grade. I was so unhappy with the way I looked that I didn't eat. I would throw away my lunch or tell my mom that I had money for lunch. I would try to get full off water and brush my teeth constantly so I wouldn't eat. My best friend knew what I was doing and he stopped me. He told me how he was scared and worried, he loved me. That's why he did it. I love him to death, and I'm happy that he made me stop. When people tell me that I look weak it just reminds me of how I treated myself in middle school. And again, my need for acceptance. I needed people to accept me. I thought being skinny would mean more appreciation more acceptance. Bullshit, I just hurt myself.

Last night, I had some crazy pains. I was sitting in a room and I couldn't breathe. The heat of the room affected my breathing. It got to the point where I had to leave and stay outside for the rest of the night. When I got home my ribs started to hurt, I had chest pains, and my stomach hurt as well. I cried to the point where my whole body was shaking. My dad tried the best that he could to help me and ease the pain. I took some pain killers and I can't even remember when the pain stopped. I just fell asleep. I went to the doctors today and the doctor basically said that I strained a muscle and I need to stop dancing. Wtf! Are you kidding me! I can't just stop dancing. Dancing makes me happy. With all the shit that I deal with in life, I need this one thing. He told me that I had to stop dancing and doing any exercises for one to two weeks. Fuck that! I'm just going to stretch and massage my back and hopefully Friday I'll be okay to dance. My back still hurts right now. It's hard for me to walk or lay down. I'm hoping that my pain won't be as extreme as last night.

changes

So I think I'll start off this blog with some insight about yesterday. I have to admit that yesterday was a pretty good day. I purposely didn't text my boyfriend because I was too busy and tired. I mean I stayed up until 1, I think I have the right not to say anything to him. Well we had history presentations and I was actually nervous because my partner and I don't communicate at all. So I went up, and unlike the other students, I talked to the class like I was updating someone about my own life. I think it made it easier for them to learn. When my partner went up to present her portion of the slide, she was really quiet and other people went up to me and personally asked me questions about her portion. Later I had my physio test. And I think I got a couple of questions wrong. I know that I got two wrong for sure. Oh well, I'm not worrying about it. I just really hope that I pull through and get an A on this test so I don't have to worry as much when finals push through. Later I went to pre cal and it was pretty chill. I talked to Daniel, class mate Daniel, a lot. Then it was lunch, and that was the best part of the day. My teacher wanted to talk to me and I basically told him everything that was on my mind from beef with history projects to losing trust in people to my dad. He opened me up a lot. And I'm happy. He showed me how I changed and I didn't realize it. I mean before I was very pushy and impatient. I instantly showed my anger and I held things inside of me. When it came to my boyfriend, I blamed him for a lot of things. I wanted this and that out of him and I knew he couldn't give those to me. Before, I asked for too much. My teacher told me how I analyze and I think before I speak now. How I have a greater presence within myself. How I'm not afraid to approach people. How my dad affected me and how I confronted or even talked to people. He was right. All I wanted was my dad to be proud of me. I'm sick of him losing his faith when it comes to me. I never realized that one of the reasons why I'm holding things in is because of my dad. It makes sense, right? I hold things in because I'm constantly looking for appreciation and acceptance, I never fully got it from my dad. It was a very good talk. One of my best. Later it was spanish, and I took my final. I wasn't worried because it was a written final, open book, and I had my topic beforehand so I texted myself my whole essay. HAHA! Not even trippppen! Anyways, dance I fell, kind of. Like I almost fell. I got a few cuts. One on my ankle, hand, few paper cuts. That's all. And afterschool I worked for the MLK competition. That felt good. I missed forensics. And it was so good seeing alumni. I miss the rush of competing, but I have to realize that..that's not for me anymore. I moved on. I guess my day just got worse when I got home. I didn't get any texts or calls from Daniel and it made me kind of mad. But I fell asleep. I woke up around 940 and called him. Our conversation went pretty good at first, but it just went weird after. We got into a serious argument, and I guess I wasn't really up to that. I was getting frustrated and I didn't think he saw my point. But later he was just showing me his point and I guess our argument was resolved. It was mainly about me hiding things from him. I told him to help me change and at first he responded saying, why should I have to do that? But he is right, he doesn't need to. I think that I should do this on my own. But I feel like I hide things because I haven't fully thought about it. Or I don't want someone to worry about me, I don't want them to think I can't handle myself because I can. But I guess since he's my boyfriend, I should tell him everything. He tells me everything. Later I asked him if he could see me changing, he said he couldn't. Then I told him how. I'm patient, understanding, more mellow. I told him how I stopped holding on to the past, the past Daniel. Throughout our relationship, I couldn't let go of that Daniel. And now, I can. Daniel couldn't see the changes at first. He thought I was now selfish and not selfish, but I thought that was the old me. I don't think he fully sees how I changed. Or understands how I changed, even though I described it to him. Well I don't blame him. He doesn't see me that often. I need to let him see how I changed on his own. I can't tell him, he has to see it. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was surprised that I'm not having constant thoughts about last night.

my thinking needs to cease

So ever since this whole school project thing, I have been over analyzing everything. I feel like ever since the argument and losing two friends I'm going to end up losing more. My biggest fear is that I will lose everything that I love. I'm scared that one day I'm going to lose him and the support that I have at home and school. I was thinking about that last night, too much actually. Who do I really have to lean on? I've been so scared to depend on someone or waste their time. I feel like once I keep talking or spilling out my guts of all the bullshit I have to go through someone will leave. And that's why I'm scared to depend on someone. I'm scared about them leaving and me getting hurt, again. I think that I have to realize that there are people who are willing to listen to the things I have to go through everyday. I mean I've been pushed so much to talk about what's going and and I know that they can tell even when I fake a smile and say its fine. I mean, my teachers can tell when something is wrong. I am a book, I'm easy to read. Ever since Daniel left everything has been so much harder on me. Family has put stress on me more, my dad's new job and his hours, the distance I have with Daniel, and the fact that my few close friends are never around. I feel like my sixteenth birthday had a curse. Like, everything went wrong in the world when Lamisha turned sixteen. Isn't being sixteen supposed to be sweet? I guess not in my case. When I was a freshmen and a sophomore, it was easy. I'm not even going to lie, life was chill. I was independent and stress didn't even touch me. I didn't really need anyone. I was there for those who I needed to be there for. Then I guess when Daniel left I felt like I did need him. It's harder to talk to him and it's harder to see him. I'm not trying to say that I don't value or appreciate the time I do have with him, I do. It's just that it's a struggle to see him. I have to force my parents to let me see him or let me do something with him. I guess it's different when I can see the future coming closer. I want him to stay. It's crunch time now. With grades and SATs coming. It's scary. Today I opened up to my friend Glenn. I told him why I was such a feminist. He thought that I was because of what I was taught in school, but I told him the real reason why was because of my mom. He pretty much told me that he would be the same way and it's really not fair for me to go through this. He was actually surprised that I had this situation in my life. He was telling me how I should use this for UC apps. It didn't even cross my mind that I could talk about family life or my culture. It's different, strange. People don't understand it fully. I was telling Glenn how I'm getting to the point where it's time to tell my Dad about Daniel. I told him how yesterday my mom's co-worker asked her if her daughters had boyfriends, and she said no. My dad was pretty surprised and he asked her if he said no for Lamisha, and he was like wait, Lamisha has friends, isn't that right? I smiled. I should have brought the whole boyfriend thing up then and there but I didn't. I'm thinking about asking him about Daniel. If he likes him or if he's okay with the fact that he's pretty important to me. We'll see. I'm not fully ready to tell him now, but I know the time will come soon. I'll have to wait for now. I just realized, the reason why I over think is because I constantly have the fear of losing something in my life. Whether it's my boyfriend or my family, I'm scared to lose something. That's what holds me back. Maybe losing two friends will help me overcome my fear of losing things.

Webcam Date

So Daniel Tong made his first blog. I'm excited. Now we can blog together. Hahah. Well we had a webcam date today twas very cute (:




Last kiss of the day (:

mondays mondays mondays

Well this Monday was a horrible one. Too much stress and drama involved in such a simple day. I don't have much homework which is an upside, but true friends remind me the actual meaning of a friendship. I'm starting to fully forget about these pointless fights. I don't need it.


So my friend Cindybelly bought me this. It was a late late late christmas gift. Hahah! We forgot to exchange presents. I love it though. I wanna buy one for hubby (: Now, I have two flannels and tomorrow I shall have three. Kudos to me! I lah lah lah flannels!

fire extinguished

So all the pointless drama that I'm trying to detoxify from is useless. I did talk about it and it didn't get anywhere. It made me realize how stupid certain people are. I'm happy I said things that I didn't say before, that I wanted to say before. I have never talked to someone like that in my life. I was so sure of what happened and why I was right. I guess that is what I get for being stubborn. From the whole talk..I know I was right. What she stated wasn't true and she could have done something. I had evidence to back up my answer, and after looking at the evidence she remained speechless. But I'm not getting into details. From this whole thing I learned that sometimes it's okay to let things go and forget about them. Because one of my mottos in life is to forgive, but I'll forget. And right now I'll forgive her..but I want to forget her.

detoxification

This whole week has been full of beef. I hate it. The only thing good in my life is family and my long distance relationship. Luckily, he doesn't get to see me like this. I may of sounded crazy on the phone with him, but imagine me in person. I just need time to relax. I need to be surrounded by good friends and family. Good company. I need to hear good things even though I'm being a bitch. This whole week, the rest of the month is going to be crunch time with grades. I need to get it together. I don't want anymore pointless fights. Self Note: I hate females.

I want badly

$40

$135

So I think, I need a job. I really want one, too bad my dad won't let me have one. Well let's talk about today. Today was another Wednesday, and it was great because I always spend time with Antoinette and Ella. Today I got to spend time with Ivon too. School was pretty boring, I just worked on projects. Tons of them. Anyways, after school was a huge car ride. From Fremont to Chilis to In-N-Out to finally my house. I've been pretty tired lately. I didn't even buy anything today, I need to save up money so I can get birthday presents for my mom and Daniel. I'm planning to get my mom something from coach and my boyfriend's present will remain a surprise.

and mighty rosebud saves the day

This is a must have! I just got a strawberry one, I have the original one with me too. My friend gave it to me when she went to Florida, so yay. Well this second day of school was stupid. I was pretty mad the whole day. I found out that my friend hella catted out of this project with me and she was too scared to tell me to my face. I like how I have to hear it from other people. Oh well I'm not tryna trip about it. I just want my rosebud salve and I'm set.

School, again

Maaaajor Grubbin ;)


My sister made that. It was so good. I like natural pizza. Anyways, first day of school again was pretty boring. I mean it was just all "Happy New Years" and "How was your break?" nothing much. Mhmm I didn't have much homework so that was good. Its hitting me that freaking finals is coming up in two weeks, and I have SAT's soon. That's gonna suck to the max. Today was my anniversary with my boyfriend, twenty-two months. We didn't do anything. It seemed like an ordinary day. Oh well. I'm going to treat him going back to college differently. We'll see how that works out. Well off to watch Gossip Girl and The Secret life caaaause I was waiting forever for that!

heartache

I feel stupid to say that I think I wear my heart on a sleeve. I mean all my life I have had my guard up. Even with my relationship with my boyfriend, I had that guard up. Not all the way up, but just a little. Who am I kidding, I guess I always had it down. I'm vulnerable. Especially thanks to tonight. I went to my friends cotty and I was thinking about how much my boyfriend meant to me. I texted him to let him know that I have something on my mind to tell him. When I get home around 11 I get on the phone with him and spill out my heart. I got choked up and I almost started to cry. I mean I did want to go on and tell him how I felt but I stopped myself. I wanted to let him know that he is my best friend, my lover, my everything. He has been my rock. My support. He changed me spiritually and physically. Although we fought, nothing phased us. Nothing blinded us. Sometimes, I don't think he knows how important he truly is to me. Not like he needs to be reminded, but I think he should know. So after I get done, which was about twenty minutes long, I was about to fucking cry he asks me about my friends cotty. Well actually he just says "you're forgiven". I was kind of looking for a "Baby, I know that was hard to say and I know how important I am to you. I love you". So after I question him about the sudden change of subject, he just says he's not ready to tell me how he feels. I wasn't upset. I just wished that he acknowledged what I was trying to say. Maybe, I shouldn't have told him. I feel like he is always avoiding everything, not everything maybe I'm being a bit to harsh. But he avoids things he can't handle. I call him out all the time but this time I didn't. He runs away from fights from serious talks and now that I spilled out my heart to him he's running away. And how does that make me feel? Horrible. He told me that "it wasn't the right time. it would be a bad decision on his part" How can somebody tell me that when we have created a bond for over two years. He's lucky I guess. He doesn't have to face this. He's just running away to college in a little bit. He doesn't have to tell me his feelings. It makes me think that all this relationship is about is fun. And sure I like that, but I feel something different. Maybe I care about him, maybe I need more then fun, maybe I want him. It makes me think that he's not ready for me. Not ready for us. The bad thing is that I can't force him to tell me how he feels. He needs to do it on his own. I don't want to push this, I want to be patient. But haven't I been? With everything? I guess, all I can do is wait for him to be okay to tell himi how feels. I didn't think it was hard to do, but I guess he hasn't done this before and he's scared. I hate that I can just guess, I want to know. Well my head hurts.


Well, I wish upon the stars that maybe all my thinking will cease. I got a picture with the birthday girl (: Today, had its fair share of ups and downs.

Contemplation with slight hesitations

New day, fresh start. I need that. So much for saying this new year is going to be great, I already started off with a stupid fight. Stupid worries, thoughts, actions just surrounding my head translating throughout my body even though I knew it shouldn't have been said. Reactions and what should have been done can't leave me. It just builds up to disappointment. I bought my boyfriends mom a coach wristlet, I kind of regret it. I think, if I saw him yesterday then maybe I wouldn't have done something so careless. Antoinette went with me when I picked up $80 from the bank, and how stupid am I? My dad can tell that I picked up money. It is a joint account. But I guess that's the leat of my thoughts. Worry and anxiety throughout the whole car ride home, to the mall, and to him. My breathing wasn't right. I couldn't slow it down, and all I thought..you stupid girl take deep breaths. Oh well for that. I drop off the gifts and I don't feel happy. Sure, they like it but I cry. Cried all the way home until rage comes. It did. Later at night I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I'm mad that he's leaving. I'm mad that he didn't say good bye to me. I'm mad that he didn't pick up. I'm mad that I ran out of excuses to be mad. I'm mad that he made me drop the subject. I'm mad that I wasted my time. I'm mad that I can't fucking drive. I'm mad that this whole thing is actually my fault. So I wake up at 7 am and I look for pearl earrings, why? Because I have OCD. I was going to where them yesterday but I guess I didn't. I call boyfriend again, but he went back to sleep. Then I did some homework. But as I'm doing homework, which was to read a book and pull in quotes..it makes me more sad. Damn, why do stupid things like that, like school, make me think about Daniel Tong. Maybe it's because he's always in my life no matter what. I mean we did go to the same high school. I'm practically digesting his air, his habits, his everything. As I was reading, I read about how a couple had to say goodbye to each other. And I got mad thinking, why couldn't he just visit me to say goodbye and kiss me and tell me that it's going to be okay and he'll see me again. But...it's not his fault. It's mine. He's right. If I did tell my dad then maybe, maybe it would be easier. If my parents understood that I actually love him, then I would see him. But the whole culture thing. I hate it. His parents are pretty down to earth, modern, they get it. But mine, they automatically assume that I want to get married to him. It's not true. My parents think that dating is sin. I'm living in sin. They don't like Daniel because of freshmen year. I acted up. I was so fucking stupid and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I had to not listen to my dad. Maybe if I listened and didn't talk on the phone as much, maybe Daniel would have a chance to meet my dad. I'm trying, now. I mention his name more often. But that's not good enought for him. He wants more. Daniel wants to meeet my parents. And he wants me to tell them but I can't. I grew up not hiding anything from my parents but now I do. Why? Because I don't want to lose this one good thing that came into my life. And I feel so stupid because maybe if I did explain things to him, like my culture and my parents he would get it. But I don't. I expect him to know, but he doesn't. I'm scared to tell him. Why should I be though? All this stuff in my head, with yesterday and him kill me.



Coach wristlet I got for his mom =)

new year, new bang.

Well, the new year started. Yay! I haven't written in this for maaaaany months, actually since last year. Ha, but it's fine. Last year, I had my fair share of mistakes. I don't even want to think about last year. This year will be great. I can feel it. I want to be more confident, selfish, and independent. I mean I am already, but I want more of those qualities. I guess, I wanna be okay with saying bye to him. It makes me sad thinking about it, but this year I won't be. I want to focus on me and things I need to finish. School, driving, SATs, all of the above. I've said bye so many times and you would think I'd get better at it. Nope. This new year, is a new beginning and I'm ready for it.