JEROBA!

I want a jeroba, I think they're really cute. I found one while I was "working" on my extended analysis paper. It's amazing how people can find these animals. I think they are found in the desert. Crazy right? I hella want one. I won't tell my dad though, he thinks I'm crazy enough.



So, my week has been pretty boring. Maybe that's why I haven't been blogging. I don't really have anything to say. But I realized this week will be busy. Why? Finals, SATs, School ending, must I say more? My dad thinks NyQuil makes me sane cause it has alcohol in it. He says I should get sick every month so I can have NyQuil and it will make me a happy person. Why? Cause I have anger problems. I really do. Hahahah. Well, maybe this will be an excuse for him to let me drink when we're out or something. HAHAAH, yeah? I wish.

"I can't recognize myself"

I think I'm finally on that road of finding myself. Is it weird that a teacher, a breakdown, and an "appreciation" speech finally did it. I mean that was the thing I really needed to hear. I feel like I'm steering on the right direction, but I know that there will be bumps and detours on the way. When that comes about, I need the very few people that care for me to watch out for me. Please take care of me, and make sure I find my way straight again, because I don't know if you know this but I'm stubborn.

Thank you again for giving me that wonderful talk. You sure do know how to read me. Better than most, and I've only known you during this school year. It's like my eyes and tears does all the talking for you to understand what's going on in my life. I know I am a strong individual now that I am reminded.

falling through cracks

I wish this blog thing was like a talking sorta thing. I know it's a tell all but damn, it would be so much easier if I could just talk and my computer typed for me. Hahaha!

These days I have been slippin'. Not on that school stuff, don't get me wrong I have my mind straight when it comes to my future, but it's the other things in life. My health, friends, family. I guess my family stays strong throughout this process but I do dislike them sometimes. I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole. A hole in which I want to burn and destroy. I think I'm really looking for something new. Something sweet, something sincere, mostly something worth while.

I think I'm a fuckin' monster now. I just eat my way through things and kill 'em. If I don't like it..poof! It's gone. But, I'm holding onto something and I feel like it's necessary for me to let go. I don't really think anyone understands what I feel like I'm holding on to. Maybe a few who know me well. But, I guess what I'm saying is that I hope you don't know what I'm holding on to. Maybe when people find out, that's when I really have to let it go. Damn, I'm hell of complicated.

I really wanna dye my hair now. Like red, or dark purple? Maybe I'll just do it and get my dad's permission. He's said yes many times, it's always my mom that stops me. I want it to grow just so I can chop it off again too.

and I stay still while the world changes

In all honestly, I feel like I'm going through an insane cycle, more like stage, right now. I'm expecting this and that, wanting more and more. All these desires that I confuse for needs are corrupting my mind. I want change. I think that will keep my mind, soul, and body at ease. I'm frustrated with everyday things also. Bus-ing it, people eating my fuckin' food, stealing shit from me, not fucking asking me to use my shit, make mutha fuckin' plans for me, and not fuckin' understanding my point of view. Well, now that I list them they are pretty reasonable fucking reasons to be mad! Riggghht? And people in my house think I'm the "outcast". Fucking shit.

I completely want to change my life. Whether it's devirginizing my hair or piercings or getting rid of people in my life. I'm so weird. I feel like I'm bad with commitment now. I can't stick to one thing. I can't concentrate on one thing. I need something to do. I'm sick of the everyday routine of coming home watching tv while I eat, studying, shower break, studying, talk to boyfriend (maybe), then sleep. Then wake up and the process goes on again. Of course my relationship has changed. I barely talk to him, or see him. I'm getting better at not needing to talk to him. Being more independent. Not relying on him, at all, which makes things easier.

I want to drive. I want to fly. I want to escape. Maybe write? Spoken word? Perform? Dance until my feet engages with a secret love connection with my mind. I'd like that. I want a stranger to ask me to tell him the meaning of life, which is 42. Or a lady bug to sit on my shoulder. Or someone to spontaneously kiss me. Or a surprise that involves me dressing up. Or a puppy. Either way, it would be change.

Change, that's all I want.