disgust

I'm not content with my own mind
it's like a resentment of a new kind.
I thought everything would be fine,
but it turns out that nothing is mine.
This new contemplation
creates a new examination.
I'm sick of things old,
I need life to be bold.
Throughout my life I thought I knew what I wanted,
but I could never get anything without it being flaunted.
Respect, arts, literature,
come draw me a new picture.
I feel like I've heard it all,
I'm not impressed,
its another stupid fall.
I'm sick of excuses, absolution, save all this extenuation.
I need determination and rationalization.
Save it, I'm done.

Great Mall

So today I went to Great Mall. I feel bad because I couldn't have a cutesy date with my boyfriend. Well there is always Monday right? I woke up at 1050 and helped my boyfriend find some laptops and then later I got ready. My dad took me to a buffet and dropped me and my sister to the mall. I ended up getting 3 shirts, a jacket, 2 earrings, a necklace, lip gloss, sunglasses, shoes, and a mirror. My sister got 3 shirts. Later I went with my dad to pick up a huuuuuuge van for tomorrow's family trip. I'm pretty excited (: And I forgot to mention that I'm suuuuper tired.

time in so many ways

So my fight with my boyfriend is resolved which is good. We went to the park and we talked which is good. We didn't mention the fight. My cousin called me though with some disappointing news. I'm trying not to think about it. I mean there is honestly nothing to do about it, so whatever. I'm taking time to myself today. It's funny how you can measure time. Hopefully all this time will clear my head. I'm probably gonna watch an ABDC marathon and read. So that's my plan for today.

fights, tears, and nightmares

So yesterday I got to spend time with my boyfriend Daniel. I bought him a burger and fries. It was fun hanging out with him. Then later my tummy hurt like crazy so I layed down the whole day. After nine I called Daniel and it was going good at first but later I got upset because he wasn't paying attention to me. I mean I don't blame him he was watching the olympics. I also got upset because I guess I started to think that I was a bad girlfriend because of a text message he sent me. But I noticed when I'm quiet for a while and I notice that no ones talking to me, I won't start talking for a while and he got mad at me for not talking. Then he started to yell and it scared me like crazy. I just want to talk to him about it. I don't think he's going to talk to me today =/ whatever. I hope I still have that date with him on thursday.

SF!

So I went to SF on Sunday..it was okay. I saw everything a billion gagililon times so it was nothing new. It was cool spending time with fam though.

giving things a new perspective

So today I woke up around 10. That's pretty early for me actually. This whole day I've been listening to "Cupid". Its funny but it reminds me of a certain someone that I won't mention. I think he'll know though (: Mhmm my cousins came over, we didn't talk much. I was too preoccupied with getting my music player working. *ahem stupid boyfriend's mp3 player *ahem. Well I ate, slept, watched tv, read a book. Basics. I got pretty deep last night as I was about to sleep. That party I went to was pretty crazy but through all the crazyness all I could think of was my stupid boyfriend. Every little thing made my thought process go high wire just thinking about Daniel. It's kind of funny but I always wanted to be something special to him. I wanted a title, I wanted something, yenno? I was so stupid, I never realized that I was something. I dont have to be his first kiss, his first love, his first anything. The fact that I am his...its something that I can't even explain. This whole time that I was with him I was too worried about creating new things with him. Walks and going to the lakes were great, but I never appreciated them. I always thought of it as a contest of beating his ex, I guess? I felt like I didn't get to do as much with him as they did together. I wanted that one moment that all counts, if that makes any sense. All that doesn't even matter and I have no idea why I made it matter. Maybe it was because he was my first boyfriend and I wanted it to mean something for him. Why did I make such a big deal out of firsts. It doesn't matter what number I come in, what number he experienced with me, all that matters is the time and quality that we had together. Even though he was telling me I was special and I was the best..I didn't believe it. I wanted to prove to myself that his words are solid. Funny thing is I was never jealous, I just wanted to win, but this isn't a game. I always had his heart and he had mine. I was pretty much working towards something I already have. Looking back at these months that I spent with him, I wish I made it more worth while. I think it's hilarious that he was the one that tried to make it special for me when he knew it was already a cute and perfect moment. He's a really great boyfriend and I hope that I can fully appreciate him the way he appreciates me. I feel better now, I think there will be a good change. Now that I know I was strange for thinking the way that I did...I know that the couple of days that I have left with him will be so worth it. The fact that he's leaving makes it harder on me. Where's my best friend gonna be? Geeez, I hate thinking about it. I love him a lot, and that love is going to keep us together. Done deal!

Oh boy (:

So today I spent the day with my boyfriend Daniel. He's pretty stupid. He's going off to college pretty soon. Actually a day after my birthday. Whatta loser! Anyways, I woke him up pretty early and he picked me up. I was running late and I changed 5 billion times. He waited which was pretty cute. I didn't wear any makeup or fix my hair that much. When I went to his house I ended up wearing his UCSC sweatshirt since my shirt was stupid. I miss him already. Isn't that crazy? I like the fact that when I'm around him he makes me feel like myself, I guess. I know I know its suuuuper cheesy that I said that. I can't even imagine being without him. He's pretty much everything to me. My boyfriend, my bestfriend, my mentor, my lover. He sure is something. Well later he dropped me home around 3. I have to get ready for a party tonight. I hate getting ready because that means I have to do my sisters hair and makeup. Well I guess I'll get a start on that.

Tatts

So I guess I should have been quiet about yesterday being so boring. A lot happened. The last thing running through my mind was writing a stupid blog, but as I woke up...I guess that's all I wanted to do. To talk about yesterday I have to talk about two days before. I gave myself two henna tattoos..one that was a heart on my wrist and one that was a D. on my hip. I think yesterday was the biggest turning point in my life. It's one of those days that you think your life is going to end, but you know its not because your over exaggerating. My stomach started hurting, and I went downstairs to see my parents, but little did I know stupid me had my hands on my hips and my mom saw something on my stomach. I tried to say it was nothing but she kept pushing me. I ran upstairs but my dad called me. The first thing I told him was "can I just show mom in private..its kind of personal". He said yeah sure..thank goodness a phone call saved me. She wasn't able to see that tatt yet but I had to do something to cover it up. I thought of cutting myself, but lets face it thats stupid. I thought of cover up..but that didn't work. I thought of eye shadow..making it look like a bruise..but that didn't work either. That damn big D was tooo big to cover up. I was scared and I started to cry. My mom said she'd tell my dad the truth. I cried like crazy. The first thing I did was call my boyfriend. That was stupid. He said everything was going to be okay..bullshit. My dad called me downstairs, he didn't even talk about the tattoo. He talked about school. He said I had to give him my cellphone at 10, go to bed early, do homework, and study. Study what? Its fucking summer. I guess I can read, but reading doesn't seem as appealing to me anymore. I guess I should call people, but I don't really need anyone. I think I can be better and solve this on my own. You'd think that I was smart enough not to fall for a stupid boy and write the letter of his first name on me. Geeez I can't think at all. I think I made him worried. He called and texted a lot. It was cute but, I wouldn't know what to say to him. What sucks the most is the fact that I lost my dad's respect and trust again. I didn't want this. I dont know when I'm going to be okay. It's too hard to think about. The anger towards my mom, the tears because of my dad, the confusion towards me. It's too much for a girl to handle. And I have to call my boyfriend sometime. He said he'd love me no matter what, maybe he deserves better. He shouldn't be stuck with someone like me. Someone with problems. I guess the only thing that I'm scared about is facing my dad. I didn't get in trouble for the D tatt, he just was stern about new rules he laid down. I'm scared that he's not going to make eye contact with me. I'm scared that he's not going to consider me his daughter like he did before. I'm scared. That's all I can really say.

First

So Hamed helped me make this blog because I needed to express my feelings I guess? Nothing really exciting happened today. I stayed at home while my sister was out the whole day. I watched a movie. Yay me. This day pretty much sucked. Yeahp.