I am officially bedless now. No bed, prom, phone, computer, life? Can I include that? I guess so. I'm so frustrated. I'm so scared to play wii cause I think he's gonna take it away. There's nothing I can do. I hate his rules. I wish I had some fucking disease so I can do whatever I want since he'd feel guilty. I hope my sister won't have to go through this shit.

Spring Break is over

Everyday I think about writing a new blog. Like, Wednesday I went to San Francisco, I was going to post the pictures I took and write about how I felt, I promise I will do that, it's just a project on hold. And yesterday, I wanted to talk about how my dad opened up to me. I understand his craziness now. And how I tried to leave my boyfriend, but I just couldn't do it. Yeah, crazy stressful week without me leaving the house.

Everyone knows my dad hates me doing anything. Watching tv, playing games, chillin, talking on the phone. The stuff everyone does on the norm, but I guess my family is not down for that. I came home from a family party when my dad found me on my closet floor laying down, crying, and talking on the phone. He didn't see me, he heard me. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him the truth. No point in lying. I told him in my sniffly voice that I was talking on the phone. As I hung up, and put the phone away I saw my face. Eye liner smudged, mascara running down, lips red, eyes puffy. Damn, I do not need to be crying, I look too weak. After an hour, I went downstairs and talked on the phone. I'm persistent, aren't I? He caught me again, and told me to go outside with him. I was scared, I was scared that he was going to hurt me or break everything I owned. I ran upstairs grabbed a jacket and walked with him. He showed me what my mom did for the house, what my grandma does, and he basically showed me what I did. Talk on the phone, watch tv, not even care. We then went for a walk. He told me that he feels like I'm neglecting him, and all he wants from me is my time and effort in school. He told me how he feels like he works so hard to put me into college, but he doesn't see any thing on my part coming out of it. I understand. I let him know that things come naturally to me, and I just dont know how to study. And when I do, I'm left with a D or a F on a history test. He told me that I need to try, that's all I can do. I guess right now I'm just going to study, but also fake study, and hopefully get some privileges back.

I'm honestly not mentally strong or capable to talk about problems that I'm fighting with. Not just with my boyfriend, but with me. I wanna yell and scream at him for fucking me over in the past, at the same time I want him to pay attention to me more. I need to get over a hurdle. I need to get over the fact that he's going to stay around, I mean who is he going to go to, right? Yeah. He has me. I'm not ready to let him go. I'm ready to work things out, and make him realize that we both are wrong sometimes. Not just me, not just him. The both of us. Because in this world, we are just fuck ups, sometimes. Because in this world, we succeed, sometimes. In this world, he's perfect for me and I'm perfect for him, all the time. I need soul searching, a new perspective searching. I need old friends back.

emancipation

I don't know how clearly I can tell you how much I hate these individuals. They claim that I need to be a role model, that I need more responcibilities, I need to help around the house, I need to get better grades, I need to get my priorities straight, I need to study, I need to to do this and that. I'm fucking done listening to what the fuck you really have to tell me. Because with you, you are all words, no play. Why don't you fucking put your money where your mouth is? Oh wait, you can't? That's right. You never have a justified answer for the things that you take away from me or want me to do.

When did my study habits become yours? Why do I have to study how you used to. I mean, damn I'm my own person I can do whatever I feel like doing caaaause it's benefiting me. So you can shut the fuck up. "You can't study with the TV on". Actually, I'm doing homework. And I need noise to do homework or I get headaches. I know this is strange, but that is my homework habit. I study in my room, ALONE. I don't need you disturbing me saying I need to do this and that, I need to eat. Shut the fuck up. First you tell me to study, now I have to keep that on hold and eat? I'll eat when my fucking stomach wants me to eat. I study late, I study for a long time with my friend on the phone. And if that's not studying or if that's not right, I don't understand where you are coming from.

Oh and when did not going to prom become an answer when I don't have good grades. Last time I checked I had pretty decent grades. No C's. I have 4 A's and 2 B's. That's not good? Daaaamn, let me change my mind set then. I thought that was good, but I guess I'm wrong since you tell me I'm wrong. That's what you want me to believe right? I feel like you are a walking, talking, breathing propoganda machine. All you do is fill my head with lies. Fill my head with hope destroying monsters. I can't do this, why? Cause you said so. Oh this is wrong, why? Cause you said so. Fuck that, I want to destroy your system. You tell me that I need to be independent, that I need to support my family one day. Why can't you listen to me? Why can't you give a damn about anything I want to do or want to say.

I have to say that you were pretty nice at one time. Actually one of them was really nice. But they changed. They think that boys interfer with my learning style. They think that this boy is destroying me. I'm obsessed, please. I feel like he, and the rest of my friends are the only one that really do care about me. They listen to me. And what do you do, say I don't fucking respect you? I do. Don't I do everything you say? I guess being with someone I love is not what you want, but it's what I want and I'm really done listening to the fuck that you want me to do. There was a time that they bought me whatever I wanted. But they never let me out. When I hit high school I wanted to explore the world. But they kept me locked up, grounded. I hate it. Looking back at it, I see what I did wrong. Speak out. But isn't that what I should do? Isn't that a part of the first ammendemnt? Am I wrong? My sister can do anything she wants. She's out right now. She sleeps over, sneaks out, gets caught, and they don't do shit. Thaaaanks JERKS. All I can do now is sleep and stay in my room and do hw. I don't even want to talk to them anymore.

I really wish that I could emancipate my parents. Damn, I'd be so free from their shit. I could do whatever I wanted to do. I could do whats best for me. These restrictions aren't helping me, they are worsening the whole situation. The whole me. I'd love to get away.

weekend update

Saturday: I had a heart to heart with my mom. I was crying and she was hugging me the whole time. She made things a lot better. Oh, and I don't lie to her anymore. I'm very happy about that decision. I think I stopped lying since my dad went away because I knew she would be fine with me hanging out with Daniel. So my parents went out to a party in San Jose and I asked my mom if Daniel could come over when they were out. She said yes. He was very hesitant about coming over because he feels like he's not welcome. But, I tried to persuade him cause I mean my mom did invite him one time. So it was fun. He was looking through my whole room and it kinda annoyed me. Actually, I was nervous. I was scared he thought I was weird or something. Then we layed down and talked. It was serious, but he had to cut it short.

Sunday: I woke up and my mom told me that she was going to another party in San Jose. I wanted to go to Daniel's family party but I didn't want to ask her about it because I just saw him. After they left, Daniel told me that his parents invited me. And I would love love love to go, so I told him that I could. He wanted me to tell my mom first, and I did and she said yes. Yay. So I was nervous meeting his family since I never met his fam before. I didn't have time to take a shower, so my hair was yucky. I had to tie it up. And I tried to grab a really cute blouse. I had to do my make up in the car, but it was okay. I was expecting a lot of family but it was only his Aunt Mandy, and his two cousins: Leon and Edison. Oh and his grandparents too. I think his grandparents are cute. I wish they could speak english so I could talk to them. Daniel says I need to learn Chinese, I want to. So Babe you have to teach me. Hhaahha.

Mmmmk, that's all my updates for the weekend. Oh and I'm still on bad terms with my dad. I don't have my phone. But I turn it on when my dads gone. Hahhah!

damn

I saw this and thought it was dope. I really wish I could do something like that.
Side note: I need a new camera.

and it all falls down.

I realize that I'm slowly falling, or shall I say quickly. I didn't even realize I was falling until the impact started hurting me. First, it's hellaa stupid fucking drama with certain people, let's call them "unmentionables". Then, it's stupid SAT score. Then it's most likely no prom. Scratch that..no prom. I hate it. I'm trapped in this stupid house. I wanna get out. All I do is stay in my room. I never leave. I'm too frustrated. And I'm so frustrated that I don't want to write anymore.

the game from hell

I feel like I'm constantly playing a game. When I want to go out, I can't. Why? Because when it seems like the worst is happening the game turns around and sucks me back in. It's hard and difficult to understand. It's a never ending kinda game. Rules are unfair, but I'm hooked. The game has a weird way of giving me points or letting me proceed. I may fall back three spaces, but I draw another card and the game lets me go forward ten spaces. I'm so confused. It's like the game is scared for me to leave or lose or even win. I'm in a constant state of paranormal. I have tried so many times to quit this game, but somehow the moment I draw another card, or roll a dice, I don't want to leave. I guess you can say I'm a little bit addicted. But this game, damn. You have to admit that this game, even though it isn't "real" it plays well. It knows when to push my limits, and when to grab me back in. It's smart. It knows when it's going too far. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be happier not playing this game. I have been bending backwards to please this game. I want to break it, destroy it, crush it. But sometimes I think that this game is worth it. Maybe I'll win a prize. I realize, I make a lot of excuses for this game. I should stop. I hate to say this, but I'm not done with this game. It's not over, and I know it. And when I think it's over, it's not. I want to control the game. I don't want the game to control me. I want to manipulate. I want to conqueror. The game will go down.

mind fucked

I've been pretty sad lately. I honestly feel like I don't give myself enough credit. There are days that I feel like I've been personally attacked, and I just let it happen. I need to stop. And I wonder why sometimes I'm insecure, now I know. I don't deserve to be treated like I am right now. I notice that I constantly come up with excuses to be treated the way that I am. I hate it. And things that I've been hearing make no sense what so ever. I need to realize that I am worth something. I've been independent and providing security for myself. I haven't depended on anyone in a long time. I don't feel like I can count on anyone these days. No offence to people I do love, but it's hard. I have my guard up.

April Fools

So, I'm aware that I haven't written a blog is several weeks. I think the new month is a good time to start a new blog. But, damn. I need to update so many people. Actually, I need to update one person, and I think she knows who she is. Hahah. And she needs to update me, and drive to me so we can have a catch up date.

Anyways, too much shit has been going on in my life. From fights to stress. March has been devastating. I have been more comfortable in my own skin, writing and dancing wise--huge plus. I noticed that I have been very distant with a few of my friends. Primarily because my goals and mind set are so completely different from theirs. I've been sad, and angry, and happy. I've been annoyed easily. I don't think anything has been going too well.

Last week was good. I spent it with Daniel. We caught up a lot, we needed it.

Sometimes, I wish I did was Tin did with a blog. I thinks she knows what I'm talking about. Mmmkay, I guess that's all I want to say. I want to update this special person in person. And I'm going to slap you if you don't know who are you.