this, them, they.

I wish I could run up to this person and tell them that I hated them.
But I realize that I don't actually hate them.
I got stuck between the frustration and the arguments,
the "fuck you's" and the constant winding and bending of our once relationship.
But now that I'm thinking about it, they didn't let me have a voice.
It's like this person left me with no choice.
It was constant bickering and constant blaming the fingers on one another,
--telling me that it's my fault, and what I did wasn't just.
But now that once relationship is simply left in the dust.

Today was weird. Fire alarm? Strange, yeah! But, this day was very tiring. I was waiting for it to be over! But it is now. I was thinking a lot during the morning. I realized how awkward things are. And how this person can't look at me. They make me feel superior, and honestly I don't like that. The only reason I don't like it is because it makes me laugh! And others around laugh too. They make it so damn awkward. But it's whatever. You know how I keep saying I'm over it, I guess I'm not. They kinda just left me hanging, and you know me--I always like to do something in the situation. Haha! I'm sorry! That's just me! But, I have to realize that I really can't do anything. Blahp.

and you don't even know

"You're hot, but you're crazy"--that made me laugh. No, it was not said to me, it was a movie quote from Senior Skip Day.

I'm getting sick of things very fast. It's like things aren't catching up to me. I want to be done with junior year. Or I want more tests and homework assignments so I can raise those little B's to A's to be done with this damn year. Actually, it's weird. Why am I so worried about grades? I guess it's because if I start with an A, most likely I'll work to keep that A. I realized that I'm a strange junior. I don't have much homework although I am taking 2 honors classes and 1 AP class. You would think I would be more stressed? Actually, I'm not. The stress that's killing me is the stress my parents put on me. Damn, it sucks. They think forcing me to do things will help me. Check again, parental unit. It actually makes it harder for me. My mom told me "if you don't do well on my SATs, my prestige goes away at work. You know, everyone knows your in SAT classes. What would they think of me if you didn't get a good score?" Well you can fucking tell them to suck it! Caaaause, your prestige should be yours, not mine! Not my hard work. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Maybe, when March 14th comes around I'll be happier. Or maybe when March 1st comes I'll be happy since my dad will leave. Less stress on my part. Maybe I can chill with D, if he comes and sees me because my mom won't take me. She hates driving. Another thing I don't understand about my mother.


I'm craving red velvet cupcakes. It's funny because I've never tried it before. Maybe someone can make me some (: ?

Slumdog was dope

I have finally watched this movie. Took me long enough right? Well, I loved it. Maybe I like it so much due to the fact that I can relate to it. I'm happy that this movie put out all the real things happening. I mean, I bet people weren't aware of all the crazy situations that were happening in Asia. I didn't think this movie would be good at all. Honestly, I thought everyone was just hyping it up because it was the "underdog" movie. But I really did love it. Everyone should watch it.

Well other than watching movies, I've been pretty stressed. I have been in bad bad moods. And I get mad easily. Blahp. I think I'll stop being like this once SATs are over. That's my biggest enemy right now. I got a horrible score last time. And with homework and SAT classes and boyfriend, I haven't had enough sleep. I mean I am in denial of how much sleep I need because I think I'm this superwomyn that can handle everything. Whatever! I'm trying. I have been getting enough sleep lately. I had around 8 today. Mmhmkay, blog done! Hahha

Happy Birthday Baby!

It's Daniel Baby's nineteenth Birthday! And I wanna commemorate this day by giving him a special blog. So baby, it's your birthday! Yaaaay! I'm going to treat this whole week as your birthday caaause you deserve it. And I love you! So, I can't think of how special the number 19 is. Hahahah! I can't say sweet sixteen or legal eighteen. You are just a prime number. Hahahah! But it's cool, caaaause it's your birthday! And you love it! I like the fact that I was the first person you talked to today! Yay, kudos to me. Well Baby, I want you to have a great great birthday and *Mwah! I love you.

a whole mess

I feel like this whole week has been strange. I went through way too much, and it's stressful. I can't tell you that I'm happy with everything that's going on in my life. I'm not happy and I don't think I will fully be happy for awhile. I'm talking about fully happy, Lambo happy. Not smiles one minute then tears the next. I'm still flooded with thoughts. In American Lit we talked about "rememory". It basically means that you can't forget your past no matter what. Even if you try not thinking about something that happened, it will always be there. Talking about rememory made me think about my past. This concept is true. No matter how hard I try to let go of things, or forgive what had happened, I can't. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of unanswered questions. I'm trying to take things slowly. I do feel better, if you were wondering.

23

So today's Thursday. Also my twenty three months. It was a pretty boring, and chill day. It was ups and downs. I can't even say it was good or bad. Highlight was taking pictures with Kat.



PS! My sickness is going away. Hahah

you'll never forget your first

Why is the first anything important? Why is your first word so important? Shouldn't expanding your vocabulary be more important. Or how about your first love? What if your first love abused you? Would that be nice to remember? Or how about the "first time"? What if you were raped the first time? Why is the first time always the time that will stick with you the most. Sure, people do remember the best time but they tend to remember their first time more. I have been thinking about firsts and special moments for over two hours. I'm sick of it. Why do we feel that we need to be significant in someone's life. I'd rather not be anybody's first. Because, if I was they would just remember me as their first. Not as a good time or a bad time. Just as a first. Once we start putting labels on everything, it just gets to an extreme. Like boyfriend and girlfriend. It's a huge title if you think about it. You can't do this, you can't do that. You have to spend time with your girl, you gotta have good night talks and have in mind that one day, maybe, you'll fall in love with this person. These titles, and firsts are killing me. I spent my whole relationship trying to forget his first girlfriend. Trying to forget that he did this with her and he experienced that. I tried to forget that they almost kissed. I tried to forget that he said he didn't have feelings for me at one point. I tried to forget how he said he wished I was like someone. I tried to forget how most of the time it wasn't just him comparing me to other people or his ex, it was me. I had to live up to being better than her. Doing this longer, or having that. It doesn't really matter, does it? Why should a first kiss be any better than your last kiss? We get better as we grow, and experiences are better too. There was a point in my life where I stopped thinking about his past relationship. But now, tonight, well last night, it was brought to my attention again. I never realized how jealous he was. How much of a hypocrite he was. At first I was sorry. I was sorry that I ever did anything. Sorry that I was apart of it. Sorry that he felt like that. Now, I'm wondering why he has any thoughts of betrayal. I didn't do anything wrong. For once, I'm not his first and he's not mine. We have to deal with that. It's nothing we can do. If you were to blame me, don't. Because he was the one who encouraged me. Encouraged me to dance and have fun and live a little. I did. And he's mad. It's not anyone's fault. I realized how stupid a first kiss was, or a first time, or a first boyfriend. It doesn't mean anything. The person and the moment is all that matters. What's the point of labeling a good thing. It just ruins it. I'm done labeling things. I'm done saying no and saying sorry to something that is not my fault. I think what's best for me is just time to myself. Because, I'm still very flustered. You know the only reason I went online was becuase of SAT scores. I have to check again Feb 12th, dammit. Oh well. Hahah!