Wtf am I doing to myself? I mean really! Why am I going down this path again? It's like my mind isn't content with me being happy. Can you say mind-fucked? My mind is pleased with the pain and the ache of a memory. I am trying to do something that no one is ready for, not even myself. I can't cope with the fact that I haven't been told certain aspects. This is why I search for them. And when I search for them and educate myself about it, I feel hurt, but at the same time I feel relief. Why? I feel relief that I have this in my hands. That I already know what happened and I have a greater control of my emotions, not something unexpected.
When I was a freshmen I believed in firsts, fairy tales, always, eternity. I was happy with the way things were until I wanted to know more. And trust me ignorance is truly bliss. After I found out dates, nicknames, sayings, I lost it. I started to purposely hurt myself in order to get over the pain. I assumed that maybe if I can handle pain and push myself off the edge, then I could handle anything. I was wrong.
To tell you the truth, I really don't believe there's a forever, a happy ending, or even special firsts. Yeah there are special times, special people. But I'm not tryna label things anymore. It's weird, but I feel like my guards coming back up. Yeah you guys, my muthafuckin' guards back up!I can't really do anything about it. I know it will go away. But I guess I just need some time to think.
I blame the dream that I had. It brought back insecurities. Fears too. Fucking shit, things were fine, but that dream. Aren't dreams supposed to mean something? I just don't understand why I would have that dream at this moment. I haven't been thinking about it for over a year, and now it comes back. Crazy? Thanks mind. You suck.
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