Contemplation with slight hesitations

New day, fresh start. I need that. So much for saying this new year is going to be great, I already started off with a stupid fight. Stupid worries, thoughts, actions just surrounding my head translating throughout my body even though I knew it shouldn't have been said. Reactions and what should have been done can't leave me. It just builds up to disappointment. I bought my boyfriends mom a coach wristlet, I kind of regret it. I think, if I saw him yesterday then maybe I wouldn't have done something so careless. Antoinette went with me when I picked up $80 from the bank, and how stupid am I? My dad can tell that I picked up money. It is a joint account. But I guess that's the leat of my thoughts. Worry and anxiety throughout the whole car ride home, to the mall, and to him. My breathing wasn't right. I couldn't slow it down, and all I thought..you stupid girl take deep breaths. Oh well for that. I drop off the gifts and I don't feel happy. Sure, they like it but I cry. Cried all the way home until rage comes. It did. Later at night I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I'm mad that he's leaving. I'm mad that he didn't say good bye to me. I'm mad that he didn't pick up. I'm mad that I ran out of excuses to be mad. I'm mad that he made me drop the subject. I'm mad that I wasted my time. I'm mad that I can't fucking drive. I'm mad that this whole thing is actually my fault. So I wake up at 7 am and I look for pearl earrings, why? Because I have OCD. I was going to where them yesterday but I guess I didn't. I call boyfriend again, but he went back to sleep. Then I did some homework. But as I'm doing homework, which was to read a book and pull in quotes..it makes me more sad. Damn, why do stupid things like that, like school, make me think about Daniel Tong. Maybe it's because he's always in my life no matter what. I mean we did go to the same high school. I'm practically digesting his air, his habits, his everything. As I was reading, I read about how a couple had to say goodbye to each other. And I got mad thinking, why couldn't he just visit me to say goodbye and kiss me and tell me that it's going to be okay and he'll see me again. But...it's not his fault. It's mine. He's right. If I did tell my dad then maybe, maybe it would be easier. If my parents understood that I actually love him, then I would see him. But the whole culture thing. I hate it. His parents are pretty down to earth, modern, they get it. But mine, they automatically assume that I want to get married to him. It's not true. My parents think that dating is sin. I'm living in sin. They don't like Daniel because of freshmen year. I acted up. I was so fucking stupid and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I had to not listen to my dad. Maybe if I listened and didn't talk on the phone as much, maybe Daniel would have a chance to meet my dad. I'm trying, now. I mention his name more often. But that's not good enought for him. He wants more. Daniel wants to meeet my parents. And he wants me to tell them but I can't. I grew up not hiding anything from my parents but now I do. Why? Because I don't want to lose this one good thing that came into my life. And I feel so stupid because maybe if I did explain things to him, like my culture and my parents he would get it. But I don't. I expect him to know, but he doesn't. I'm scared to tell him. Why should I be though? All this stuff in my head, with yesterday and him kill me.



Coach wristlet I got for his mom =)