heartache

I feel stupid to say that I think I wear my heart on a sleeve. I mean all my life I have had my guard up. Even with my relationship with my boyfriend, I had that guard up. Not all the way up, but just a little. Who am I kidding, I guess I always had it down. I'm vulnerable. Especially thanks to tonight. I went to my friends cotty and I was thinking about how much my boyfriend meant to me. I texted him to let him know that I have something on my mind to tell him. When I get home around 11 I get on the phone with him and spill out my heart. I got choked up and I almost started to cry. I mean I did want to go on and tell him how I felt but I stopped myself. I wanted to let him know that he is my best friend, my lover, my everything. He has been my rock. My support. He changed me spiritually and physically. Although we fought, nothing phased us. Nothing blinded us. Sometimes, I don't think he knows how important he truly is to me. Not like he needs to be reminded, but I think he should know. So after I get done, which was about twenty minutes long, I was about to fucking cry he asks me about my friends cotty. Well actually he just says "you're forgiven". I was kind of looking for a "Baby, I know that was hard to say and I know how important I am to you. I love you". So after I question him about the sudden change of subject, he just says he's not ready to tell me how he feels. I wasn't upset. I just wished that he acknowledged what I was trying to say. Maybe, I shouldn't have told him. I feel like he is always avoiding everything, not everything maybe I'm being a bit to harsh. But he avoids things he can't handle. I call him out all the time but this time I didn't. He runs away from fights from serious talks and now that I spilled out my heart to him he's running away. And how does that make me feel? Horrible. He told me that "it wasn't the right time. it would be a bad decision on his part" How can somebody tell me that when we have created a bond for over two years. He's lucky I guess. He doesn't have to face this. He's just running away to college in a little bit. He doesn't have to tell me his feelings. It makes me think that all this relationship is about is fun. And sure I like that, but I feel something different. Maybe I care about him, maybe I need more then fun, maybe I want him. It makes me think that he's not ready for me. Not ready for us. The bad thing is that I can't force him to tell me how he feels. He needs to do it on his own. I don't want to push this, I want to be patient. But haven't I been? With everything? I guess, all I can do is wait for him to be okay to tell himi how feels. I didn't think it was hard to do, but I guess he hasn't done this before and he's scared. I hate that I can just guess, I want to know. Well my head hurts.


Well, I wish upon the stars that maybe all my thinking will cease. I got a picture with the birthday girl (: Today, had its fair share of ups and downs.