my thinking needs to cease

So ever since this whole school project thing, I have been over analyzing everything. I feel like ever since the argument and losing two friends I'm going to end up losing more. My biggest fear is that I will lose everything that I love. I'm scared that one day I'm going to lose him and the support that I have at home and school. I was thinking about that last night, too much actually. Who do I really have to lean on? I've been so scared to depend on someone or waste their time. I feel like once I keep talking or spilling out my guts of all the bullshit I have to go through someone will leave. And that's why I'm scared to depend on someone. I'm scared about them leaving and me getting hurt, again. I think that I have to realize that there are people who are willing to listen to the things I have to go through everyday. I mean I've been pushed so much to talk about what's going and and I know that they can tell even when I fake a smile and say its fine. I mean, my teachers can tell when something is wrong. I am a book, I'm easy to read. Ever since Daniel left everything has been so much harder on me. Family has put stress on me more, my dad's new job and his hours, the distance I have with Daniel, and the fact that my few close friends are never around. I feel like my sixteenth birthday had a curse. Like, everything went wrong in the world when Lamisha turned sixteen. Isn't being sixteen supposed to be sweet? I guess not in my case. When I was a freshmen and a sophomore, it was easy. I'm not even going to lie, life was chill. I was independent and stress didn't even touch me. I didn't really need anyone. I was there for those who I needed to be there for. Then I guess when Daniel left I felt like I did need him. It's harder to talk to him and it's harder to see him. I'm not trying to say that I don't value or appreciate the time I do have with him, I do. It's just that it's a struggle to see him. I have to force my parents to let me see him or let me do something with him. I guess it's different when I can see the future coming closer. I want him to stay. It's crunch time now. With grades and SATs coming. It's scary. Today I opened up to my friend Glenn. I told him why I was such a feminist. He thought that I was because of what I was taught in school, but I told him the real reason why was because of my mom. He pretty much told me that he would be the same way and it's really not fair for me to go through this. He was actually surprised that I had this situation in my life. He was telling me how I should use this for UC apps. It didn't even cross my mind that I could talk about family life or my culture. It's different, strange. People don't understand it fully. I was telling Glenn how I'm getting to the point where it's time to tell my Dad about Daniel. I told him how yesterday my mom's co-worker asked her if her daughters had boyfriends, and she said no. My dad was pretty surprised and he asked her if he said no for Lamisha, and he was like wait, Lamisha has friends, isn't that right? I smiled. I should have brought the whole boyfriend thing up then and there but I didn't. I'm thinking about asking him about Daniel. If he likes him or if he's okay with the fact that he's pretty important to me. We'll see. I'm not fully ready to tell him now, but I know the time will come soon. I'll have to wait for now. I just realized, the reason why I over think is because I constantly have the fear of losing something in my life. Whether it's my boyfriend or my family, I'm scared to lose something. That's what holds me back. Maybe losing two friends will help me overcome my fear of losing things.