Spring Break is over

Everyday I think about writing a new blog. Like, Wednesday I went to San Francisco, I was going to post the pictures I took and write about how I felt, I promise I will do that, it's just a project on hold. And yesterday, I wanted to talk about how my dad opened up to me. I understand his craziness now. And how I tried to leave my boyfriend, but I just couldn't do it. Yeah, crazy stressful week without me leaving the house.

Everyone knows my dad hates me doing anything. Watching tv, playing games, chillin, talking on the phone. The stuff everyone does on the norm, but I guess my family is not down for that. I came home from a family party when my dad found me on my closet floor laying down, crying, and talking on the phone. He didn't see me, he heard me. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him the truth. No point in lying. I told him in my sniffly voice that I was talking on the phone. As I hung up, and put the phone away I saw my face. Eye liner smudged, mascara running down, lips red, eyes puffy. Damn, I do not need to be crying, I look too weak. After an hour, I went downstairs and talked on the phone. I'm persistent, aren't I? He caught me again, and told me to go outside with him. I was scared, I was scared that he was going to hurt me or break everything I owned. I ran upstairs grabbed a jacket and walked with him. He showed me what my mom did for the house, what my grandma does, and he basically showed me what I did. Talk on the phone, watch tv, not even care. We then went for a walk. He told me that he feels like I'm neglecting him, and all he wants from me is my time and effort in school. He told me how he feels like he works so hard to put me into college, but he doesn't see any thing on my part coming out of it. I understand. I let him know that things come naturally to me, and I just dont know how to study. And when I do, I'm left with a D or a F on a history test. He told me that I need to try, that's all I can do. I guess right now I'm just going to study, but also fake study, and hopefully get some privileges back.

I'm honestly not mentally strong or capable to talk about problems that I'm fighting with. Not just with my boyfriend, but with me. I wanna yell and scream at him for fucking me over in the past, at the same time I want him to pay attention to me more. I need to get over a hurdle. I need to get over the fact that he's going to stay around, I mean who is he going to go to, right? Yeah. He has me. I'm not ready to let him go. I'm ready to work things out, and make him realize that we both are wrong sometimes. Not just me, not just him. The both of us. Because in this world, we are just fuck ups, sometimes. Because in this world, we succeed, sometimes. In this world, he's perfect for me and I'm perfect for him, all the time. I need soul searching, a new perspective searching. I need old friends back.